In Part 1 of this series, I explored some of the labels that have helped me understand how my AuDHD brain works.

This time, I'm looking at how I experience the world around me, how I've learnt to respond to it, and the ways I've adapted myself over a lifetime.

One of the biggest revelations since my autism diagnosis at 61 has been recognising just how much effort I've put into appearing comfortable, capable and in control, even when I was anything but.

And thinking that everyone lived their lives that way.

For much of my life, I didn't understand why certain things affected me so strongly. I simply learnt ways to manage, hide or work around them.

Sometimes those strategies were incredibly useful. Sometimes they created difficulties of their own.

More often than not, I didn't realise how much energy these strategies were costing me.

The more I've  learnt, the more I understand that these experiences aren't separate little boxes. They're interconnected, each one influencing the others.

Once again, the labels haven't changed who I am. They've helped me understand who I've always been.

Masking (Camouflaging)

I had never realised just how much of my life I'd spent masking until after my autism diagnosis.

Masking describes the conscious or unconscious ways we hide, suppress or adjust aspects of ourselves to meet other people's expectations.

Looking back, there are some things that I I was conscious of early on.   I can remember rehearsing conversations in my head from as early as three years old. I'd imagine what I wanted to say, how the other person might respond and how the conversation might continue.