Growing up was a difficult process for me. I had a less than happy childhood with many forms of abuse by many different people. I was bullied wherever I went, by children and adults alike. By the time I hit high school, I was afraid of everything and everyone. I was scared to go to school and scared to be at home. I hated weekdays and hated weekends. Each night I would lie awake and wonder how I would get through the next day. Those that know me from high school would probably remember me in tears most days in my senior years.
During these years, something miraculous was also happening. Something that kept me going, something that I wouldn't recognise and understand until many, many years later. Each and every morning as I stepped outside, as I did every morning at about 5am, I would be flooded with a warm, white gold light. I would feel instant peace, instant bliss and I would KNOW that I could get through another day. This happened spontaneously each day until the day I moved out of home at age 17.
At 18 I contracted a severe form of Ross River Fever and was bedridden for more than 6 months during which time I had to move back to my parents home. It was a horrible experience and resulted in a thirteen year journey through chronic fatigue, depression and anxiety.
During the years of therapy that followed, I was often asked how my heart had managed to remain so full of love. Most people, I was told, who had been through what I had been through in my childhood and beyond, would have crumbled, would have been on the streets, alcoholics, addicts of some kind - but here I was relatively sane and with a heart apparently radiating love. And what I struggled to understand was how I could ever let anyone love me back. I was so undeserving and so messed up. When, during therapy, I was asked to think of a happy experience, I could honestly say that I could not remember one. Sometime in my twenties, I ditched all medications, all therapists and decided I needed to heal myself. After all, since I was still around, I obviously had a purpose. I just needed to find it.
My healing journey is another story altogether, but with the decision made, I began to once again have glimpses of this golden white light connection from my childhood. I began to start imagining it happening until it actually did. I pictured that white gold light above me, And I began to hold on to it. Breathe it in, fill myself up and feel that instant bliss, that joy of life. And it became a regular part of my healing journey.
I understand now, that I was so very lucky to have had the experience that I did in my childhood because it enabled me to recognise that light. And I believe that it stopped because I needed to make it become conscious. I needed to learn that I could connect to the universe, I could draw in the energy and unconditional love at will. I needed to hit rock bottom to learn to heal myself and others.
There are many books and writings that speak of calling in the light, charging yourself with love and then radiating it into the world. This is how we heal each other and the world around us.
It keeps your vibration high, your connection to the source strong and with this you can face anything. You can create miracles.
Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths into your whole body. Then imagine roots growing from the soles of your feet into the earth and feel the earths energy traveling up through those roots into your body, anchoring your, feeding you, healing you. Then imagine or feel a ball of golden white light hovering above your head. Breathe it in through your crown and feel it filling your whole body with light. Let it mingle with the earth energy, filling each and every cell within you. Then let that light expand outside of your body so that you are cocooned in light. Take a few more deep breaths and imagine or feel a pink light radiating inside your heart. Allow this light to grow until it fills your chest. Then send a beam from your heart out into the universe and watch it enveloping the earth and all of its beings. The whole world needs love right now and we can all contribute. When you are ready, take a few deep breaths and open your eyes.
Do this exercise every day and you will find that it will become spontaneous for you. You will only have to intend it and it is done. You will know it is done because you will feel the energy and the bliss and the joy.
26/4/2020 12:49:23 pm
Courageous story Jane!!
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I'm Jane Marin, artist, illustrator, writer, self confessed eclectic bohemian. Follow me and my musings right here on my blog.